Catalog
Episodes
Semen SheetsApr 26, 2026 · 8 minIt's cold and rainy. It's Summer. I am Steven.- Live From This Guy's BedroomApr 6, 2026 · 14 minIs nothing sacred anymore? Will the entertainment complex ever be satiated with what must surely be "too much shit?" Are you tired of losing sleep over the loss of your sanity and/or dignity? Well toil no more! With THERAPY GUN, you can end it all right now!
Not to be confused with theragun, the massage tool, THERAPY GUN is just a gun. Any gun will do! Heck, you might already have a THERAPY GUN at home- how about that! You've already got a free THERAPY GUN. Eat it for breakfast, bring it to bed, take it on your next family vacation. THERAPY GUN! There's never a wrong time to be strapped!
- I Heard Your Boyfriend SucksApr 2, 2026 · 14 minBut I don't.
That doesn't mean I'm a good partner. I just don't suck and your boyfriend does. This isn't an attempt to break y'all up- I wouldn't be a better option. You can leave him if you want to, but I'm just saying that I probably won't fulfill your needs either on an emotional level. He sucks, but I'm unavailable emotionally. That being said, if you guys do breakup and you want someone to fuck around with while you're looking for the real deal, I could be down for that. And who knows, maybe we'll wind up really liking each other. I'm not ruling that out, like I can be open to the possibility of something happening between us on a committed level, but we can cross that bridge when we get there.
Anyways, I hope you wake up from your coma soon.
HAGS
- The Hangman Always Swings TwiceMar 30, 2026 · 20 minCut the crap. Your father's home and he is pissed. You're killing your father. Bad boy.
- You Want Me to Eat This?Mar 13, 2026 · 6 minListening to a lot of good music lately.
- Soul SkatersFeb 9, 2026 · 6 minMan, whatever
- Let the Boy CookFeb 4, 2026 · 15 minAte a lot of bread. I don't feel great, but I'll probably shovel some more shit down my throat before I go to bed. I guess compulsive eating is still better than pissing your pants blackout drunk on the A train to Rockaway Beach. Jah feel?
- This Crumb Has a PocketFeb 2, 2026 · 8 min[insert the lyrics to Smooth by Rob Thomas feat. Carlos Santana]
- Perpetual RealityFeb 2, 2026 · 8 minOh great, someone farted and clearly had a baguette last night. smdh
- Costume ClosetFeb 1, 2026 · 20 minNobody knows what’s inside. Can you keep a secret?
- The Abyss That Doesn't Look BackJan 23, 2026 · 17 minIt's your asshole, Jerry!
- No More QuestionsJan 23, 2026 · 28 minYour honor, this case is a sham and you are a piece of leather beneath a hot stamp.
- The Bottom of The OceanJan 18, 2026 · 14 minI took a submarine down under the sea last night. Got to see all the electric eels. There are only three, and they are all named Ernie.
Ernie rhymes with gurney, which is what your body will eventually be strapped to after your passing. Something to think about, really. Guess what, that wasn't written by AI. Woof, daddy.
- On DatingJan 17, 2026 · 22 minWent on a date. it was fine but not fireworks
- Dumb ShitJan 5, 2026 · 17 minCome on, man. This "art" thing is starting to wear me down. Can someone just give me a job or become a benefactor for me to make shit. This podcast doesn't make money (because it doesn't exist), but if you do, please send it to me. Ok, now that we've gotten that out of the way- here's the good stuff:
8==👊=)💦
😓
- Misty The Snow PonyDec 22, 2025 · 18 min"If You're Gone" is a song by American rock band Matchbox Twenty. The song, written by the band's frontman Rob Thomas, was released on September 18, 2000, as the second single from their second album, Mad Season (2000). It reached number five on the US Billboard Hot 100 chart, becoming the band's second best-ranking song on the chart, and also became a hit on adult contemporary radio, spending two weeks at number one on the Billboard Hot Adult Contemporary Tracks chart.
- Unherdt OfDec 22, 2025 · 9 minA minuscule amount of fun was had by two people. The other three died. Shame shame shame.
- MOve to the Country and Start a Damn Garden With Your First WifeDec 3, 2025 · 18 minI think I'm just one banana peel away from covering my entire floor with banana peels. Imagine coming over and you're just like "what the hell are these banana peels doing cover the entire floor? I can't walk in here!" and then I come out dressed as a whole ass barrel of monkeys. I'd probably slip on the way there. Whatever, I'm going for it. Will you donate a peel to the cause?
- I'm So BloatedDec 1, 2025 · 13 minOh man. The problem with this podcast is that I have to keep the window open so the smoke cna go outside. And now it's cold. Brrrrrr. Ice cream man, you could be my best friend if you'd let me drive your truck. Choo Choo! Sometimes it's hard to tell if this is a podcast or autism.
- No Nuance HereNov 29, 2025 · 15 minI shit my pants today. It sucked.
- Do I Hear Breakfast?Nov 14, 2025 · 16 minIf you so much as smell that Gatorade in the fridge, I'm going to be furious. That's my special Gatorade and how it came to be such:
I thought I might have sex- why, you ask? Well, I had no reason, really. Other than the wind. Which speaks to me in whispers upon gusts of pigeon coos. Regardless, I wanted to prepare for what laid ahead. I stopped at the grocery store. Upon entry, I not only grabbed rubbers, but a yellow Gatorade and a packet of hydration powder. That way, I wouldn't lose my electrolytes while making sweet sweet love.
When I arrived at the bar, I realized something that had been staring at me like a ten mile glazed donut. I spent all my money on the Gatorade. Balls!
I asked around, and a pear-shaped woman using a living scorpion as a hairpin, spotted me a 5 dollar bill. Crisp. Clean. I handed over the bank note to the barkeep and confidently uttered, "a beer for the brunette with boobs at the end of the bar."
"Cheapest beer we got is 7 dollars."
"Drats"
I handed the 5 back to the nice lady at the bar, who folded it back in my hands and said, "get yourself something nice, sweetie."
I bought a single hit of heroin from the man down the street on my way back home. Somewhere between the nod out in Washington Square Park and the coming to with my head in the freezer, I had mixed the electrolyte packet and Gatorade together in a glorious mix of hydration. Impressed with my foresight, I put the potion into the cold box for the morning- and guess who just finished heroin puking.
- Oh No, Grandma's HomeNov 12, 2025 · 14 minIn all seriousness. Like all jokes aside. There was a moment in this where I got scared by the Fibonacci Sequence.
- I Was a Teenage MorticianNov 1, 2025 · 11 min"Scream for your friend!"
The words were as stale as the crust on the back tag of his underwear. He was about 41 at the time. Limber, but aged like the old oak that his dad built a treehouse in back when Paul was 13. Oh, Paul. Whatever happened to Paul????
- Liz PhairOct 27, 2025 · 1 hr 4 minOmfg!!!! I got Liz Phair to do the pod!!!!
- Hamburger and His HelpersOct 27, 2025 · 21 minIf cows could milk themselves... man, we'd probably never see them again.
- Slope Spudz: A Potato Goes SkiingOct 24, 2025 · 12 minYeah man, this shit. This shit right here is the bees’ mothetfucking knees. I don’t think bees actually have knees. Makes you wonder.
- The Lina Thumble (Thumblelina)Oct 12, 2025 · 19 minShit, the horsies got through the damn barn door, again. I thought I locked it tighter last night. Well, I'll be a horsie's ass if I do that again. Aw man, the chickens are fartin' out a butt storm. I shouldn't have done this farm Airbnb.
- Here's the DealOct 10, 2025 · 15 minOk, I got into a fight with my cat, Zenon, while she was ripping up paper on my desk. My other cat, Philly, walked in at some point. I hit the transcribe button and this is what happened:
stop that. Hey Zenon stop Z put it down you're looking at me like you're gonna do something Zenon. Stop hey hey hey stop hey hey get down hey oh Philly what's up dude's Zenon come here get in the chair and stop ripping shit up come on come on come on sweetie. I love you. ZZBDV come on baby. Good girl no no no stop that. Hey, what's up calendar are you kidding me stop it get on the chair. I love you.
- It Gets BetterSep 26, 2025 · 17 minMan, I am fucking bummed. But that doesn't stop the brittle from brattle- you know what I mean? I'm talking soft cats and pretzels of the also soft nature. Can you dig it??? It's been DUG!!!!
- A Germ Grows in BrooklynSep 12, 2025 · 13 minHere we are, at the precipice of collapse. All seems lost, but rest assured- there is gold in my ass. I've put sixteen gold bars in various asses around New York City. If you can find the golden ass bar, you can trade it in for a voucher that will give you a code that allows you one (1) vending machine item, every day. That's right, exchange the bar of ass gold and you can get Doritos for free, one time, every day.
- PeePants: The Story of One Man's Poopy PeepeeSep 6, 2025 · 8 minI like to think of myself as a pretty smart guy. Like I have taste and culture, and here I am naming an episode of my secret fucking podcast "PeePants: The Story of One Man's Poopy Peepee." I'm 33 years old. I should have a family. Or at least someone's family. Can I have your family? Let's make a deal, here. Come on- let me be your father. I'd be a good dad- or I think the kids would like me. Oh no, I'm becoming my mother.
- The Paisley AffairSep 1, 2025 · 21 minDude, sometimes I think I am a real bonehead. Other times, I think I'm a real Sasquatch.
I think you get what I'm saying.
- The Podcastization of the Novelization of Bill and Ted's Excellent AdventureAug 22, 2025 · 42 minSometimes you gotta take it back to Bermuda. Where the grass is green, or at least, I think it probably is. I've never been to Bermuda and fuck you for trying to give me guff about it. Why I oughta... honestly, I'm gonna probably look into how to best make an incredibly buttery and heart-stopping pretzel at home. Auntie Anne's style- the big time. There actually used to be a great spot in the Delta terminal at JFK, but that was probably over 10 years ago. My, how the time flies when you're eating pretzels.
- Your Fist - My Teeth: A Love StoryAug 6, 2025 · 12 minI've mistaken multiple ducks for geese, but I've never found a goose be golden*
*That being said, I am colorblind
- Anti-VirusJul 21, 2025 · 13 minMy grandma’s finger tips! These were the last images I could recall when the morphine drip hit my veins. Let’s make the sausage, boys.
- Clerical Error (the prophet comes to San Diego)Jul 15, 2025 · 12 minGloves. Balls. Bats. These are all in my friend's sex dungeon. He is 13 feet tall and doesn't have many allies. But I stand by him, left, right, and center (but not center right).
There will be blood, there will be pie, there will be a lot of fun to be had at my friend's sex dungeon party! Make sure that you come in your Sunday* best! We'll have punch, we'll get drunk, and we'll all make love in my good friend's sex dungeon at his sex dungeon party!
+1s are encouraged, but please don't bring someone you just met this week (Stephen). When the sun takes a dive, we'll all cum (😉) alive! If you need my best friend's address to his sex dungeon for the sex dungeon party, don't be afraid to reach out- you've got my number, or we've matched on Bumble (Stephanie...).
This week is costume optional, but NOT clothing optional. Don't worry, we'll all be nude and lubed by the end, but you MUST show up WEARING clothes. This doesn't mean you've got a backpack with clothes but you're at the door in just your socks (Jeff...). Just so no one takes it like they did last year (Jeffanie...), I'm coming dressed as a toilet paper mummy. If anyone else shows up to the party at my close, personal friend's sex dungeon, I will have a fit!
Alright, that should just about do it! If you've gotten this letter, that means that the mail is still working- fantastic! After the nuclear fallout, I wasn't sure if this letter would find anyone! So, if you're looking for a party at my favorite person's sex dungeon (Ralph, please, for the love of god, send a medical team. We've all been down here for so long and some of us can't hold our bowels anymore (Bart (his farts now smell like electricty)...), and SOME of us are growing a third eye due to radiation poisoning (Bartette (really mean)...).
I hope to see you soon at the sex dungeon party, and honestly, the party is optional. I'd just like to see you here in my father's sex dungeon, where we will hopefully be having a party to celebrate the fact that life still exists (but god DAMN, I am so tired of banging these mutants (PETERINA!!!!!!!!).
Have a Good Summer (HAGS)
Christopher "Bernadette Peters" Robin
*Monday attire is fine if it’s form fitting
- UnplugJul 13, 2025 · 23 minDude, I got an insane calzone tonight. It was pretty awesome because I was able to utilize a buy 1 get 1 (BOGO) deal. Unfortunately, they did not add in the sausage I requested. Rats. Luckily, I was refunded the $4 for the cost- which is actually $2 more because of how the coupon factored in sausage to both. I also robbed a candy store but only took the sour stuff. Keep your money. Capitalism has destroyed your sweet tooth. Lockheed Martin.
- Petrified CoreJul 11, 2025 · 15 minUh oh, there’s trouble in hunk town. We’ve got holes to fill!
- You Can Change Your LifeJun 24, 2025 · 18 minLightning crashes
A new mother cries
Her placenta falls to the floor
The angel opens her eyes
The confusion sets in
Before the doctor can even close the doorLightning crashes
An old mother dies
Her intentions fall to the floor
The angel closes her eyes
The confusion that was hers
Belongs now to the baby down the hallOh, now I feel it coming back again
Like a rolling thunder chasing the wind
Forces pulling from the center of the Earth again
I can feel itLightning crashes
A new mother cries
This moment she's been waiting for
The angel opens her eyes
Pale blue colored iris presents the circle
Puts the glory out to hide, hideOh, now I feel it comin' back again
Like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
Forces pullin' from the center of the Earth again
I can feel it
I can feel itOh, why
Oh, why
Oh, whyI can feel it coming back again
Like a rolling thunder chasing the wind
Forces pulling from the center of the Earth again
I can feel it
I can feel it coming back again
Like a rolling thunder chasing the wind
Forces pulling from the center of the Earth againI can feel it
I can feel it coming back again
Like a rolling thunder chasing the wind
Forces pulling from the center of the Earth again
I can feel it
I can feel it
I can feel it
- Full AssJun 16, 2025 · 10 minI heard the ring a ding ding and the lights went "dim"
- Cartwheel CityJun 9, 2025 · 8 minWheel's stuck in the mud again. Gonna be a long Summer.
- The Duck People ProblemMay 27, 2025 · 17 minSometimes they come at night. Sometimes they come in the morning. Sometimes they don't come at all. Your parents do have a lot of sex, though.
- Head on a SwivelMay 14, 2025 · 18 minThe sticks is loose and the forest is free. What's in your wallet? I am so fucking hungry.
- Don't Do Me Like ThatMay 13, 2025 · 12 minYou sir, are a gnome to the first degree. And I'll hear no more on the matter.
- SunemployentApr 20, 2025 · 11 minThis was recorded on March 4th, 2024. I was let go from my job at 3pm on March 1st and passed at the Comedy Cellar at 8pm. I was in a weird place and forgot to post it. Here you go Mr. Sucklepuff
Anyways, I am literally bitching about the same things I’m bitching about now. Don’t to phish tucked payoffs. What more is there to say.
- Somebody's Stolen SteroidsFeb 26, 2025 · 10 minKiss on the cheek, kiss on the mouth, kiss on the knee, kiss on the forehead, but if you come anywhere near my ear, I'll end you.
- The Inauguration of Gordon's GeckoJan 20, 2025 · 14 minWell, we did it. A momentous episode here at the Sesh Lab (TM). We've got frogs asking to be princes and we've got royalty asking for cake. I don't know where you're at, but when you're here- you're familia.
- Kudzu CrustDec 16, 2024 · 8 minThe weather. It’s cold. Now we’re talking about the weather. Brrrrrrrr. Ice cold. Gucci mane. He once showed up to an open mic in East Atlanta Village driving an ice cream truck, but I digress-
- Jazzercize (but it's an exorcism (like an exorcism via jazz))Nov 23, 2024 · 11 minPick up those crumbs. I swear to god, if you don't clean up this couch- unbelievable! Get your butt upstairs and wait until your father gets home.
"Nyuk yuk"
-The Three Stooges (one of whom's last name is 'Fine')
- Tired of ItNov 20, 2024 · 9 minCrunch your nuts, eat your cheese.
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