Podcast
Smite Me: A Torah Podcast
Bad writing. Bad politics. Way too many rules about animal sacrifice. It’s the Torah, and three good friends/bad Jews are rereading the whole G-D damn thing. Join comedian Jon Alcabes, musician Ayani Hayashi, and writer Josh Marcus as they give the good book one last chance.
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Catalog
Episodes
- Episode 57: Joshua, I Hardly Knew Ya feat. Ethan BlackMay 17, 2023 · 48 minThis week, the boys finish the Book of Joshua with Ethan Black standing in for Josh. They chat about the conclusion of conquering the land of Canaan, the legacy of Joshua and how nobody seems to really want to bother with pulling esoteric meaning out of a text as dry as the book of Joshua.
- Episode 56: Ancient Antisemitism feat. Ben KurzrockMay 3, 2023 · 1 hr 32 minThe boys come together for a lightly historical conversation about the origins of antisemitism in the Ancient world. Assyrians, Babylonians and Romans oh my!
- Episode 55: The Park Slope Food Coop, 9/11, Borders and Pelé Episode feat. Jon MoskowitzMar 31, 2023 · 1 hr 18 minThe boys continue to chug their way through the book of Joshua, and this time enlist the help of comedian Jon Moscowitz. They discuss the original Jewish Sleepaway camp, Clint Eastwood's term as a mayor and how sometimes even the most earnest of biblical scholars can't escape the bible being very literal.
- Episode 54: Uncut GemsFeb 23, 2023 · 58 minJosh and Jon come together to watch an Adam Sandler movie while Ayani is out of the country. They talk the politics of and production of Uncut Gems, how much they genuinely enjoy the film and also concede it technically isn't an Adam Sandler Film and it's just good casting.
- Episode 53: The Gallagher Explosion (RIP Dipshit)Feb 8, 2023 · 59 minThis week, the boys talk shop about about podcast alumnus Norm Finkelstein and share their remorse over the death of comedian Gallagher against the backdrop of Joshua and the Israelites continuing to massacre their way through the land of Canaan.
- Episode 52: Old Testament After DarkNov 2, 2022 · 1 hr 6 minHot off of finishing the 5 Books of Moses, the boys meet for a rare in-person episode and crack into the book of Joshua. Moses is gone now but the conquering and empire building continues. Plus, jut a skosh of Kanye talk and a discussion antisemitic conspiracy theories in general.
- Episode 51: MosSad Boys feat Charlie SosnickOct 19, 2022 · 1 hr 5 minComedian Charlie Sosnick joins us to talk about Jewish Revege, a silly Israeli C-Movie about spies hunting Nazis in Ukraine. Charlie also introduces us to the Cain and Abel blood feud between the East Coast's premier bar mitzvah DJs, who are also brothers.
- Episode 50: God Riddance feat. Ethan BlackOct 5, 2022 · 1 hr 15 minThey-don't ask me who-said it couldn't be done. Smite me fav Ethan Black is back as we read the final section of the Torah. We'll never get back this time back, but at least we didn't learn anything.
- Episode 49: Saint Batman feat. Angie KaniewskiSep 14, 2022 · 1 hr 37 minThe Smite Me boys have some questions Catholicism which get answered by our friend Angie. We talk about her life growing up Catholic and what that means for her today. We also get a long and creative list of threats from our boy God.
- Episode 48: Old SheldonAug 24, 2022 · 1 hr 16 minThe History of Birthright. A deep cut Trump video. a casino billionaire who looks like he's from 'Monsters Inc.' An episode as rich as Les Wexner's Ass.
- Episode 47: Return to Murder CityAug 17, 2022 · 1 hr 15 minSmite Me fav Geneva Rust-Orta is back to discuss one of the Torah's most goblin mode lists of rules. We cover how the Jews solved Rural murder, built cities for murderers and the deeply yucky biblical views on consent and gender identity that were probably progressive 3,000 years ago.
- Episode 46: The Spiderman/Mail Bag Protection RacketJul 20, 2022 · 1 hr 10 minIt's a mail bag episode! The boy's answer your question you sent in and return to some favorite topics!
- Episode 45: JewbelieveJul 6, 2022 · 1 hr 7 minGod calls the Jews out for being failsons. The Torah flirts with its own fucked up version of economic equality and Jon pitches us on a vital new nonprofit billboard venture,
- Episode 44: YassimilationJun 22, 2022 · 1 hr 20 minThe fellas watch the classic 1981 flick 'The Chosen' about the bromance of Jewish-American assimilation and college students casually gun-running for settler-colonial paramilitaries.
- Episode 42: Take Me Down to Manslayer CityJun 8, 2022 · 1 hr 24 minIt's the final book of the Big 5 and God is three rosés deep, trying to convince the Israelites that, actually, it's been great between them the whole time. Also, Manslayer cities.
- Episode 41: Doing Crazy NumbersMay 11, 2022 · 1 hr 15 minThe boys finally finish the Book of Numbers and, boy, is it numerical! In these chapters, the Israelites kill more of their enemies than they ever have before, and its hard not to be a little proud. Plus, we say bon voyage to Jon as he makes Aliyah to New York to track down Norman Finkelstein.
- Episode 40 J4J feat Aviva SiegelApr 20, 2022 · 1 hr 20 minComedian Aviva Siegel is back on the pod to talk about the lingering uncle of the Abrahamic religous family: Jews For Jesus. We talk about proselytization, Godly denim merch, and the limits of using cold brew coffee to convert people.
- Episode 39: Ayo for JAOApr 6, 2022 · 1 hr 20 minThe lads dive into the history of Birobidzhan, Russia's rarely mentioned Jewish autonomous region. It's a strange little place that's been around longer than Israel, with a history that is extra utopian and despressing even by Russian standards-and that's sayingr something.
- Episode 38: Donkey TimeMar 24, 2022 · 1 hr 8 minThis week, we're back on our TorahBoys mentality with the story of Balak Balaam, a donkey abuser/wizard who tries to curse the Jews but can only utter deeply out of pocket death threats against their enemies. Plus Ayani drops the song of summer.
- Episode 37: Being Jon Kesselman feat Ethan BlackMar 9, 2022 · 1 hr 25 minThis week, the boys dust off the DVD player to rewatch "The Hebrew Hammer" (2003) , a truly cursed attempt to make a Jewish Blacksploitation flick about a badass private eye saving Hanukkah. Shabbat Shalom, motherfuckers.
- Episode 36: Angelology 101Feb 23, 2022 · 1 hr 15 minRemember the Torah? We used to read that. The boys are back in Bible mode this week, in a chapter where God unleashes his inner Sigma Male and flames not one, not two, but ~three~ of the top protagonists of this little Jewventure we've been reading. Also: cow medicine.
- Episode 35: Propaganda of the FeedFeb 9, 2022 · 1 hr 15 minThis week we discuss early 20th century anarchist thinker, OG cancel culture victim, and reluctant Jew Emma Goldman. Her ideas about economic, social, religious and sexual empowerment were so spicy she was literally thrown out of the country! So naturally, we never learned about her in Hebrew school.
- Episode 34: The One Cool Thing About Christ feat. Steve HernandezJan 26, 2022 · 58 minComedian and former pastor Steve Hernandez joins us to discuss the story of Korach, the guyt who tries to start a rebellion against Moses and instead gets swallowed by the earth. We also talk about the difference between old testament God (mean and vengeful) and new testament God (kind and loving), and Steve makes his case for why nobody ever needs to read this book again.
Check out Steve's podcast, 'Read the Bible with Me with Steve Hernandez
- Episode 33: Cuttable GemsDec 22, 2021 · 1 hr 40 minThis week, the boys un-memory hole the 2008 Adam Sandler film "You Don't Mess with the Zohan," where the Sandman plays an IDF super soldier who dreams of giving bad haircuts in America and accidentally fixes the Israel-Palestine conflict via small business ownership. We talk about the film's wild politics, what happens when comedians try and have it both ways, and Rob Schneider, the ultimate racial utility card.
- Episode 32: Big Grapes Only feat. Ian LevyDec 8, 2021 · 1 hr 19 minComedian Ian Levy joins the lads to talk about the only Jew in Scotland (his father), the Tin Tin book so racist it's only published in France, and the Torah story of how God nearly kills all the Jews (again) because they got scared of the brolic natives of the Promised Land. Plus, more Jews in the News and the return of God's Horny Little Giants.
- Episode 31: *Extremely Loud Norman Finkelstein Voice*Nov 24, 2021 · 1 hr 42 minThis week, we chose to skip reading the Torah (lmao boring) and instead dive into the life of Norman Finkelstein. Stormin' Norm AKA the Footnote Sniper AKA The Left's Favorite Accidental Holocaust Denier is a prominent Jewish-American academic who has made some good points and a ton of enemies with his righteous old guy takes on Israel, Palestine, the Holocaust, psuedohistory and academic freedom. He also has one of the most unlistenably grating voices in history, but maybe that's his super power?
- Episode 30: Hate Potion #9 feat. Max HornsteinNov 10, 2021 · 1 hr 23 minMinneapolis comedian Max Hornstein joins the boys to dive deeper into the Book of Numbers. We start with a horrific witch-hunt style ceremony that men are supposed to do if they suspect their wife of infidelity and end with God fighting racism for all the wrong reasons.
- Episode 29: If Billy Crystal Were People, This Episode Would Be China feat. Milly Pinkos from 'But Would You KissOct 27, 2021 · 1 hr 44 minNot that we don't looooooooove every glorious moment of hundreds of straight pages of Torah rules, but we were in the mood for something different this week. We called up our friend Milly Pinkos, of the 'But Would You Kiss' podcast, to answer the question on none of your minds: would you smooch comedian/leather-faced Jewish lebprechaun Billy Crystal? Before we issue our final ruling, we consider his dumb opinions, his sneaky sex appeal for one from of "When Harry Met Sally" and his extremely ill-advised takes on Race Stuff and Cancel Culture.
- Episode 28: If They Wanted a Book of Numbers...Oct 13, 2021 · 1 hr 8 minThis week, the boys begin the book of Numbers and talk about the Israelites fake little census, class in the Torah, religious Ponzi schemes, 'The Da Vinci' and a pun so unimpeachably funny it has been kept in a government vault-until now.
- Episode 27: Do Jubilee in Life After Love?Sep 29, 2021 · 56 minCan't say we enjoyed either the journey or the destination, but with this last portion, we are finally done with Leviticus. The boys discuss jubilee, the Torah’s (half-assed) version of reparations, God becoming sexually aroused by threatening to punish the Israelites, and how Jon committed an all-time Airbnb crime involved a carrot nub and a locked door.
- Episode 26: Rabbis HATE This (Magic) feat. Geulah FinmanSep 15, 2021 · 1 hr 23 minComedian and self-proclaimed Most Jewish 'Smite Me' guest Geulah Finman joins us to talk about growing up Orthodox in Detroit, wierd rabbinical sex talks, the Torah's very explicit ableism, and talk cheat codes to make the Good Book less homophobic.
- Episode 25: JEWMILIATED ft. Ben KaufmanSep 1, 2021 · 1 hr 17 minJon and Ayani are joined by old camp friend and Phoenix comedian Ben Kaufman! we start with a deep dive on JewBelong.com, a deranged marketing student's attempt to sum up the entire Jewish tradition with a single website. Then we jump into the Torah portion, which outlines how Yom Kippur is actually supposed to involve channeling the whole community's sins into one demon goat named Azazel and then sending it off a cliff.
- Episode 23: Nadab and Abihu Nights feat. DNAAug 5, 2021 · 1 hr 7 minSanta Cruz comedian DNA joins us to talk about God smiting Aaron's sons for getting a little too creative with their incense offering, and the mystery of what's inside the ark that they take everywhere they go. Then we get into the rules for keeping kosher and how Josh may or may not have watched his elementary school teacher put their hand through a live cow like a magic trick.
- Episode 22: Guts 4 God feat Aaron LernerJul 21, 2021 · 1 hr 8 minFriend of the pod Aaron Lerner joins us as we bless the microphone with factual diamonds about: the origins of keeping kosher, the Torah's 1 million rules about animal sacrifice, Madonna's Kabbalah phase, dumby Israel whataboutism, and why Jews past and present really fuck with Hawks.
- Episode 21: The Israel-Palestine Episode, KindaJun 23, 2021 · 1 hr 34 minThey boys recap their top moments from Exodus and discuss how the underlying theme of "other cultures are bad and you should conquer them" may have had some long lasting consequences.
- Episode 20: Party Calf Is In the House Tonight feat. Ben WassermanJun 9, 2021 · 1 hr 18 minThis week, comedian Ben Wasserman brings a LIL MICROPHONE and BIG OPINIONS on the Golden Calf story; the day the Israelites forgot about the whole Judaism thing and 4Loko for a statue of a cow but maybe had fun for the first time? Plus, the good book once again reiterates its commitment to thinking multiculturalism is bad. Great stuff all around.
- Episode 19: All Dolphin Skin EverythingMay 26, 2021 · 1 hr 5 minThe portions this week are kind of boring and sparse, so the boys mostly talk about Joseph Kony, smoking Doinks in Costa Rica, and All Time Smitable Deeds.
- Episode 18: Ya Stoned feat. Orion LevineMay 12, 2021 · 1 hr 34 minComedian Orion Levine joins us to discuss the portion "Mishpatim," a big list of rules that didn't quite make it into the ten commandments. We start with a bunch of rules about slavery and how its still allowed as long as you do it "The Correct Way," and move on to the protocol for when your oxen start misbehaving.
- Episode 16: I Hear Your Grumbles feat. Matt LiebApr 14, 2021 · 1 hr 20 minComedian and nice man Matt Lieb (FilmDrunk Frotcast, Pod Yourself A Gun Podcast) joins the boys to discuss two of the biggest moments in Jewish history: the parting of the Red Sea to Free the Jews and Josh's 2008 Bar Mitzvah speech about MLK and "Caucasians." Plus, Ayani's Ancient Israelian Corner returns.
- Episode 15: How To Get Away With MurderMar 31, 2021 · 1 hr 22 minGod continues slam dunking more and more misery onto Egyptians with each successive plague, and the Jewish Angel of Death makes a suprise cameo. Then the Jews learn the rules for how to commemorate this cool mass liberation/extermination combo pack in a new and non-ironic holiday called Passover. Some still celebrate it to this day!
- Episode 14: Survivor: Egypt feat. Aviva SiegelMar 17, 2021 · 1 hr 19 minComedian Aviva Siegel, Host of the Talkies comedy show and Ad Wizards podcast, joins us to talk about Survivor, the theme of her Bat Mitzvah, and also the theme of this weeks portion. God continues to shock and awe the Jews-and goes full sicko mode on the Egyptians-in hopes of founding a new religion via trauma-bonding or something. Also Pharoahs heart gets so, so hard. Like crazy hard.
Find Aviva Siegel at: https://twitter.com/livinlavivaloca
Talkies: https://twitter.com/talkiescomedy
Ad Wizards: https://twitter.com/adwizardspod
- Episode 13: Basket CaseMar 3, 2021 · 1 hr 25 minWelcome to Season 2 of Smite Me, where we'll read Exodus, the most prestige TV book of Torah. This week, we've got a Certified Classic™️, including the birth of Moses, the burning bush, some goofy magic tricks, and a Jew doing something good for once and KO-ing an Egyptian slavedriver. Oh yeah, and God responds to genocide against the Jews by planning a genocide ~on behalf~ of the Jews.
- Episode 12: The Genesis AwardsFeb 3, 2021 · 1 hr 33 minPut on your tuxedo and pretend your wife is your sister, because it's time for the 5781st Genesis Awards! We fall in love all over again with the book that started it all, with categories like: Best Racism, Worst Lesson, and Biggest Whoopsie-Poopsie. The only real losers are us, because we had to read this thing in full.
- Episode 11: Ancient Israelians: Famines Are For The BoysJan 20, 2021 · 1 hr 25 minJoseph finally decides to end the psyop against his brothers and reveal his true identity. Once everybody is done crying and touching each other's necks, Joseph invites them and the rest of the family to come live in Egypt. Then, Joseph invents a new type of serfdom for all the starving Egyptians and they weirdly love him for it and chant his name because the Torah said, "Fuck worker's rights." Plus, an Israeli intelligence agent claims to have communicated with Aliens(!), and Rashi is once again refreshingly sex positive?
"Begat Begat Begat" jingle by Tadeh Kennedy, @Tadeh.Agmook on Instagram
- Episode 10: Joseph King of SchemesJan 6, 2021 · 1 hr 16 minA classic rags-to-riches tale: Joseph goes from prisoner to Pharoah Jr. because he is apparently the Muhammad Ali of interpreting dreams. A famine strikes, and Pharoah makes Joseph Chief Grain Daddy, a position he uses to repeatedly hoodwink his long-lost brothers who show up looking for food.
- Episode 9: Everybody's Playing Sex Tricks feat. Ethan BlackDec 23, 2020 · 1 hr 25 minThis week, our camp friend Ethan joined us to talk about Joseph, God's magic special little dreamer boy. Joseph runs his mouth, gets thrown into a pit by his brothers, is sold into slavery and then lands his ass in Egyptian jail. We also get a little vignette about God killing Judah's son Onan for "spilling his seed", which leads to a conversation about Judaism's anti-masturbatory laws, and culminates in a very spicy Rabbinic interpretation involving bread.
- Episode 8: 2 Wrongs, 0 RightsDec 16, 2020 · 1 hr 13 minAn exceptionally horrific portion this week, even by Torah standards. Jacob's daughter Dinah is raped, and all the men in her life either ignore her trauma or use it as a pretext to go on a murder rampage with God riding shotgun. They should've taught us about this in Hebrew School. They didn't. Jacob has more trippy experiences in the woods and briefly reunites with Himbo Bigfoot, who decides not to give his brother a rightfully earned knuckle sandwhich. Also, 'La La Land' gets added to the Smite Me International Blacklist.
- Episode 7: Fertility OlympicsDec 9, 2020 · 1 hr 17 minJacob has a dream about ladders and marries two of his cousins. One by accident and one on purpose. He has some kids, invents a new breed of sheep and gets the hell out of town. Also the authors finally say "workers rights".
- Episode 6: Himbo Bigfoot feat. Danny SaucedoDec 1, 2020 · 1 hr 24 minSinger-songwriter and "guy who knows about Judaism" Danny Saucedo joins the boys this episode. They talk sibling rivalries, Jacob the scammer, and Torah's bad math/ideas/translation/general story telling effectivness.
You can find Danny's music at https://dannysaucedo.bandcamp.com/music
- Episode 5: Wife GuysNov 20, 2020 · 1 hr 3 minAbraham decides it's time Isaac finds a wife, raising the age-old quesstion: do women have interiority or should we judge them based on code words they say to camels. The Bible chooses camels.
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